I want more Christmas movies.

It seems that no one knows what they want these days - in careers, relationships and life in general. Turns out that we usually know what we DON'T want. For example: you're hanging out with your friends and you're trying to decide what movie you should watch. They say: "What do you want to watch?" You say: "I don't care, whatever." They say: "How about this one?" You say: "No, I don't want to watch that one." And so it goes...Maybe it's that we can't make up our minds - there are too many options and things to choose from. I guess it's the same for when we don't know what's good until we get a taste of something that isn't. If you have this idea in your mind of what you want - what you're looking for - it seems almost impossible to find it. Maybe that idea is too perfect for it to actually happen, and it stops you from seeing the subtleties of what you want in the things you already have.

happy birthday mom!

I could have slept in this morning but instead, I got up early so my mom could open some birthday gifts and I could drive her to work. I came home and worked on my final paper for this semester. Feels good. I am quite happy to say I had my last class of Psychology of Women today. Stupid stupid class. Today I worked on my crossword but she ended up just lecturing for 45 min, which left me with 2.5 hours to waste until my next one. I went to the library but it's almost impossible to find a spot this time of year, and I didn't bring any work with me because I expected a full class so I really had no reason to be there. So, I treated myself to a magazine, put my ipod on, took my boots off and sat in front of my next class. What else was there to do? I had already wasted 30min walking around, going nowhere. I actually liked the alone time though...I was quite content.

So, over the past month, annoying things have come up to remind me of Matt, singlehood or broken hearts in general. A couple weeks ago I found a post-it note on 'my seat' on the bus that said "I (heart) Matt." Of course I almost flipped out but instead I just ripped it up. Today, however, there was a huge doodle of a broken heart on 'my' desk in Exceptional Children. I guess I muttered something because the girl next to me was like, "I hear ya". Turns out she's in the broken hearts club too. She's been in a lot of my classes but we never talked until tonight. It was good to talk to someone who could relate and who understood. It's a good thing we can find humour in the things that hurt us...otherwise we'd just be...dark... and not so attractive. LOL.

"I hope your dreams stay big and your worries stay small."

As expected, this weekend was a busy one. Saturday I worked on my paper in the morning and then went to IKEA with my aunt and Kelly. I have so many things on my list to get from there...so exciting. After that, we met up with my mom and her friend Carol at the spa. Kelly and I got manicures and the ladies got pedicures. It was a nice treat for my mom's birthday weekend. Very relaxing too. The women wanted to do some shopping after that so Kelly and I went for lunch and I came home and worked on my paper some more. Since I got a lot done, I decided it would be a good idea to go out and see Signal Hill, so Sam and I did. It was so packed! We went early to get a seat and they were all taken so we stood and leaned against this bar thing at the front. Good spot until everyone started dancing in front of us. Anyway we stayed late and then went to Timmy's so it ended up being a nice night.

This morning I tried to start my second paper, but like all Sundays lately, I was in an off mood. We all went for lunch at my aunts for my mom's birthday and to say bye to Kel, which was nice, and I think Steve and I only had one glass of wine! Good Jen. After that I took my dad to his hotel, which is downtown. It was such a nice night that we walked around the Parliament buildings and called Kev. Apparently it's snowing in Victoria?! Lucky, they probably won't even have school tomorrow, haha. It was a gorgeous night, looking over the water and at the bridges...very peaceful, so we enjoyed that peace for a couple minutes. After that we walked to a cute cafe and had some tea; talked about the good 'ol days and life in general. My dad says I am confused and that I know I deserve good things but don't let myself experience them. Maybe so? I don't know...Who doesn't want to enjoy good things?!

I can't tell you how excited I am that this is the last week of class for this semester. Even though I have two papers due, it's still nice to know you're finishing up yet another term. I am determined to enjoy the Christmas holidays this year, exam stress or not. Let's hope this week goes by quick.

Rule #2.

Read the question before writing the essay.

thought.

'we have a lot to think about, but nothing to worry about.'

"shhh Jen's sleeping..." hmm no.

Well I was supposed to go into work tomorrow, for the morning, but I decided that I should probably stay at home and do some school-work instead. Plus, all the family that's staying with me are still not in bed, and don't seem to care that I would like to go to sleep because they are being annoyingly loud. You'd think that the extremely long day we had today would tire them out too? No, guess not.

I can't believe classes are almost over; this whole term went by so quickly, it's crazy. I still have two assignments to do for next week but I want to make sure I have a good weekend too. A good balance between school and relaxation would be nice. Signal Hill is in town (!), so we're probably going to go see them Saturday, although right now the idea of having another late night this week isn't looking very good to me right now. Kelly is coming home this weekend too, so that will be fun. We're doing a girl's manicure day with our mom's because it's my mom's birthday on Tuesday. At least I'll know that will be relaxing :) We're also doing a birthday dinner for her too...not sure when. My dad's in town too now so I will likely be seeing him. Hmm sounds like I'll have to do some time management. Well, at least I said no to working tomorrow.

tired.

bah.

it's late.

So my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandma all came down from Toronto tonight because my uncle David passed away this weekend. They didn't get here until 12:30am so we've been up chatting but now I can no longer handle being awake. Only problem is, I can't fall asleep. Talking about funerals and all the arrangements is really stressful so I'm trying my best to stay out of it. This one in particular is quite stressful so I'm hoping things will all work out. My poor dad and uncle who have to deal with all this stuff. It's times like these where you have to be there for your parents, which is hard, but it's sort of your turn to take care of them, and be there for them because they need you there.

I feel kind of bad but I'm deciding not to mourn really - yet. My uncle was a really laid back guy who didn't like anything serious. I'm trying my best to stay positive instead of seeing all the 'bad' in this whole situation. I guess everyone handles things differently, and you have to respect that. I'm not sure if I'm avoiding the whole situation because I'm trying to stay away from negativity or unhappy things. Who knows.

The last time we were all together was at my cousin Shauna's wedding in June. I had my camera and was taking pictures of family at their tables and randomly took one of my uncle (David) on his own. Turns out that my picture is the one we've blown up for the wake because no one had a recent one of him. Kinda creepy.

Anyway! I will make the most of the next couple of days, I mean, I will be seeing lots of family I haven't seen in a while. It'll also be interesting since my dad's new wife will be meeting my mom for the first time. Oh you can never escape the drama.

this week: my turn to pass on the tough-cookieness

Sundays are really starting to get on my nerves. Why do they always seem to be so dark, which makes napping the only thing you want to do? I have actually stopped my napping because it just didn't help with the insomnia I experienced at night so I have tried to keep busy in other ways. I did some groceries for my mom, made some cookies, did assignment #2 and watched a movie. Not too shabby.

Despite some sadness that happend in the family this weekend, my whole goal prior to the weekend was to have fun. I have learned some excellent time management skills lately so I've felt in control of school work, which leaves a little room for play. Lindsay was in town this weekend so I spent Friday night with her. We went to Local Heroes with James and Kyle and then just hung out and watched a movie. It was all very relaxing, which was nice. Of course, when you see a friend you haven't seen in a while, there is a lot to catch up on but I think Linds and I did a pretty good job of it. The rest of the weekend was good too...it was nice to be able to hang out. Thanks for that.

I realized this weekend that I'm laughing more and basically just happier in general. Even though I've done a lot of growing up this year, I'm just realizing now that it's still so important to RELAX. Laughing, having a good time in the company of people you enjoy spending time with and just letting things be, is a very good thing.

"Ohm. Peace. Inner peace. " - can't sleep. again.

Anyone see the movie What Women Want? You know Marisa Tomei, the girl who works in the coffee shop - the scene where she's doing all this thinking and then she starts-to-think-really-really-quickly and then screams? That's me. You know how I was talking about a sense of calm in me lately? Well that's been replaced with a massive tension headache that I've never experienced before. It hurts to the touch - very annoying. Maybe it's school. It seems that everyone tends to be a little crazier than usual this time of year. I handed in my paper today and there's a girl in my class who flipped out because her title page looked different than everyone else's. She went around asking to look at everyone's cover pages and said she wanted to go home and re-do hers. Talk about crazy. I think I'm going to have to go for a run tomorrow...to clear the noggin of it's reoccuring thoughts. Thinking about the same things over and over do not help you to come to any conclusions about those thoughts. It just makes the repition of those thoughts easier to repeat themselves without you even realizing. How dare they. Sometimes you gotta say "Shhhh" and let clarity come to you...hopefully it comes sooner rather than later.

" good is good, but could be better..."

I knew that you'd be waiting
The night I made that desperate call
You weren't everything I needed
Just the softest place to fall

A love like yours is hard to find
But you caught me at a bad time.

Choices. We make them all day long. Some, obviously, are easier than others to choose. Sometimes you make choices based on other people, but the important ones are made better when you're doing what's best for you.

Life: not just cereal.

Jocelyne was in Ottawa this weekend so I had a wonderful time spending some time with her. I was sad to see her leave when I brought her to the bus station but I didn't cry! I always like just hanging out with her, just to talk. It's nice to have someone you can relate to, and to tell things to, that you can't really tell anyone else; because they've been there or just because they understand.

Besides the issue I'm having with writing this paper, I've had this whole sense of calm in me. I don't want to sound all spiritual but I think that it's a feeling of acceptance for things. Accepting that I don't have control over certain things, but for other things, I can have control over, like my own happiness, etc. Things tend to work out in the end, and it's the things that happen in between that you have to take in and enjoy, and learn from too. I wonder if a person can change so drastically in such a short period of time...but I think it's possible. You can still be the same person, it's just that your perceptions of things have changed and even though you're still a little bruised, you end up being a stronger person, and maybe even a lil smarter too ;)

Just Breathe.

I came to the Carleton library to look for my damn articles because my computer at home was so slow. I saw Bev, which was nice...hadn't seen her in a little bit. We both agreed that the weather sucked and that we should be napping instead of at school. Oh well, work needs to be done. So I did find articles but I don't want to print them off here because I don't want to pay for it, but I can't go home because I have a hair cut to go to in an hour. I decided to look for an extra class to take next semester, and rearrange my schedule. Quite overwhelming looking at it now actually. I added an Anthropology course called Culture and Symbols; sounds ok, and it fit nicely into what I was working with. So I've accepted the fact that I probably won't be able to have a social life, or be able to leave my appartment (meh), so if people want to see me, they can always come visit. Hey, it might not even be as bad as I'm making it out to be anyway. So. I will be working Monday 8-4pm, class 6-9pm. Tuesday class 11:30-2:30 and 2:30-5:30. Wednesday class 2:30-5:30. Thursday work 8-4pm, class 6-9pm. Friday work 8-4pm. Weekends: recovery and repeat. Kind of scaring me now but I think that's because I'm worried about this paper. Anyhoo Sam just arrived at the library too hehe. OK must go.

Red Red Wine...

SoOoOoOo...today was really long. I woke up around 4:30 so I left for work early. Work was really long because I had tons to do and I even stayed late (without pay) to finish things off so I wouldn't be overwhelmed when I go back on Wednesday. My night was fun...slightly intoxicated but it's wearing off. It's my grampa's 81st birthday so we invited him and some of his friends over for dinner. Thanks to the many glasses of wine I consumed tonight, I have never had so much fun at a family gathering. Steve and I were slightly bored, being the youngings and all, but we managed. We just ate and drank and ate some more. Dinner was fun, as my grampa mentioned my boy situation and very nicely pointed out how many times I have been dumped. It's ok, it was quite funny. Then Steve and I decided to go for a walk with Bauer. Me in my lovely new winter jacket that Steve said looked like a cacoon, very classy, paired with sweats was the fashion statement of the night, even though Steve didn't even have a jacket...so who was he to judge? Anyhoo it was all fun fun and I had planned to work on my assignment but turns out I am in no state to do so, so I am heading to bed. Goodnight everybody.

nerdy and recluse.

So I feel more energetic than Monday. I think that I was still recovering from an all-nighter I pulled last week, but now I have everything (sleep patterns) under control. My blog has been lacking in the entry department this week, but I guess I don't really have anything interesting to say haha. I don't have any cool work stories, or hot profs to write about, or anything exciting happening, just very boring. And I really don't feel like complaining or ranting about anything so yeah, not much to talk about.

I have an academic advisor appointment today, to figure out what classes I need to take to finish my degree up. I guess I don't have anything exciting to say because this week, with no academic motivation, was me testing myself to see if I could force myself to do schoolwork when I really didn't want to. If I choose to take the 5 classes next semester, and working as much as I will be, I will definitely need to have the discipline to do my work when I have time off. I did pretty well actually. I'm working on this huge paper that's due on Tuesday. I thought we only had to do a study of one journal article but to my horror, I found out yesterday that we need 6. God. So that's what I'll be doing until then.

But Jocelyne is coming home this weekend! I don't think I've seen her since the summer...ah that's sad. All 'my girls' are away for school so it's been really hard staying in touch. Not that we lose touch, we're just all really busy so we don't get to talk as often as we'd like. Oh well, New Years get-to-gether is in the works for this year. Keltie you better be in Ottawa!! Ok I'm off to school. Enjoy the rest of the week :)

Untitled.

A typical Monday: quiet day at work, which made the day go by quite slowly. My boss kept nagging me because I couldn't sit still; I was always up walking around, so he sent me off with the guys to check out this project they were working on...some sort of security systems thing, because I wasn't getting anything done anyway. I guess when you have a lot on your mind, you fidget more, and you pace more, well, at least that's what i do. I've gone back to my old night-owl ways, which makes me having to get up early for work very difficult. No one wants to be standing at the bus stop at 6:50am when they've only gone to bed at 3.

I thought that I had everything back on track...school, work, my life. Funny thing is, this past week all the mental strength I had to improve those aspects of my life have faded out. You think you're fine, acting normal, but some things tell you otherwise. I think I should stop thinking now.

I think that I'm just tired.

Almost Doesn't Count

Maybe you'll be sorry
Maybe you'll be cold
Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby
From the cruel, cruel world
Almost convince me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see ya' round
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count

"and you will find beauty in the toughest of places."

Well it's been a busy week. I continued to look for company so that I could, well, have some company. Throughout the week I learned that I didn't always need someone there because I started to feel comfortable with being on my own. Big step for me. Just because you're alone or on your own does not mean you have to be lonely. You have to start to rely on yourself for motivation to do things, to try things and to just be happy with what you have, which is hard, but if you're good at convincing yourself, it's a really good feeling to gain. You are in charge of you, so why let yourself miss out on the things that are going on around you; the things you miss out on when you're too sad to notice.

I sort of put school on hold this week so this weekend I have to play catch-up. That's ok, I need some down time. I got my mid-term mark back from Exceptional Children. Not so good. This is the one I said I would take full responsibility for since I did not have the mental power to study at the time, so I am ok with knowing I have to make that up. I did well on a paper for Social Development though. I had all good comments but then at the end the TA was like, "Also, you have a few problems with your writing." And didn't say anything else...not too helpful, no.

My biggest dilemma right now is deciding whether or not I should add a class to my schedule next semester (to make it 5 classes). See, if I had taken 5 this semester, and 5 next semester, I would be able to graduate in April. Since I decided to take 4 this year, I'll be graduating next December. The thing is, you can't get full-time work through the student program in the government until you're graduated. So my potential plan is to take 5 classes next semester, 1 class in the summer (while working full time), and then graduate then, and start full-time work in September. Only thing is, I don't know if they offer night classes in the summer? I'm sure they do, but I should look into that. I'm going to have to make an Academic Advisor appointment too to get some assistance on this matter.

Things to Look Forward to in November:
1. Jocelyne in OTT Nov 11
2. Lindsay in OTT Nov 18
3. Dad in OTT Nov 26